Cauliflower Shrimp Fried Rice

The best and worst thing about living in 2019 is the fact that us Americans think we can replace ANYTHING with cauliflower. I swear to god I’m going to wake up tomorrow and Kylie Jenner is gong to release her newest cauliflower lip kit. When I walk up and down the isles of Wegmans, EVERYTHING is being made with cauliflower. While I do not enjoy a cauliflower pizza crust (because that is disrespectful) I do enjoy nice cauliflower fried rice.

My lovely mother inspired this recipe. She told me that if I wrote a blog post about her she would kick me out of the house. With both of my brothers out of the house, this place just isn’t the same so I will gladly live on the streets. Try me bitch.

She inspired this recipe because Suzanne is on a health kick, but it doesn’t always go according to plan. She FREQUENTLY texts me around lunchtime freaking out because she has ran out of calories for the DAY. I did promise her i wouldn’t post screen shots of our text messages, but please take my word for it that they are HYSTERICAL. While living on the streets does not scare me, i do value my life and my mother will have no problem killing me in my sleep.

While many of us can relate to my mothers struggles, in the back of my head I’m like dude, take an Adderall like everyone else and you wont get hungry. But then I realize that’s inappropriate, and being the supportive daughter that I am, as per her request, I made her cauliflower shrimp fried rice for dinner one night.

*****Before I begin I want to clarify that I do not take Adderall to suppress my appetite. I did once in college and threw up all over Sprague Library; never again.****

ANYWAY: back to the “rice”

First, heres the recipe

2 bags of Hanover Cauliflower Rice

3 eggs

2 cloves of garlic

1 small white onion

1 small bunch of green onions

1/2 cup shredded carrots

1/2 cup of peas

2 1/2 cups of cooked and cut up shrimp

soy sauce (to taste)

sesame oil (to taste)

salt and pepper

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

To start off with, save your self some time and get your self two bags of this cauliflower rice. There’s no need to sit there and make it your self, it’s a pain in the ass.

Pop this bitch in the microwave for 4ish minutes to defrost it and BAM you just saved your self 3 hours of work.

Then, I whisked up three eggs and scrambled them in the pan , because that’s what they do at the hibachi restaurants so it seemed legit. When its scrambled, take it out and put it to the side.

Next, I added olive oil along with two cloves of garlic, one white onion, and some green scallions to the same pan that i cooked the eggs in

Let that simmer and get nice and brown before adding some shredded carrots.

By the way, don’t be an over achiever, buy them pre-shredded.

Let that shit cook down and add in your cauliflower straight from the bag. Throw in some peas because you found some in your freezer and Howell Kitchen puts peas in their fried rice so we are too

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Add some soy sauce, sesame oil, salt and pepper and let it keep cooking down.

At this point I realized I forgot to add the shrimp so my dumb ass had to make them on the side. Get some cooked shrimp and sauté it in a pan with some olive oil for some color and add the shrimp and the cooked egg mixture into the pan.

I was reading some stuff online and people said to add cashews to your fried rice for some extra crunch. Im not Asian so it seemed like a good idea so in went some cashews!!!

You’re almost done when you open your freezer to see your life could have been made a hell of a lot easier if you would have just looked with your eyes.

Hanover makes a PREMADE CAULIFLOWER ASIAN STIR FRIY!!!

But you know what, its fine. This was for my mom. I’m just trying to be supportive of her health journey. She came home from a long day of work and was ecstatic to eat it. I mean come on look how good this looks

Its so good, it was even Coco approved (which doesn’t take much she is very fat)

If you close your eyes and take a bite, you definitely wont think you’re in China, but if you use your imagination, it might take you to China town in New York.

Its clearly not an authentic dish, but its trendy, and I was helping my mom out. Suz LOVED the fried rice and was very happy about how low in calories it was.

As she’s sitting there gassing me, I had to leave to take a phone call. I come back to THIS.

SHE IS EATING HER SECOND PIECE OF ICE CREAM PIE. WITH EXTRA CARAMEL ON TOP. MOM WTF. AFTER ALL OF THAT YOU EAT NOT ONE BUT TWO PIECES OF ICE CREAM PIE?!?!?!?1

I should have ordered a goddamn pizza and called it a day..