Death By Diabetes Bars
I can give you this big sob story about how I grew up in a big Italian household where cooking has always been a passion of mine. I could tell you how this has inspired me to create this blog to document the traditions of my family and my culture to have for years to come; but that’s bullshit. To be honest, I just really enjoy cooking and writing, and I figured what a better way to incorporate those two things than a cooking blog.
Plus, I’m kind of funny.
I always wanted to do a cooking blog, but I thought the idea was silly, as I have no culinary training or background. I’m just a basic white bitch from Farmingdale NJ who is good at cooking. It wasn’t until I reconnected with an old friend, that I was inspired to create this blog. Not only did he teach me the differences because they’re, their, and there SENIOR YEAR of high school (true story)(and pathetic as hell), he brought up the idea to me, and told me to just go for it. So thank you, old friend, not only for teaching me basic grammar, but also for the push I needed to create this.
Now that I’m done being a lil bitch, I just want to say I hope you enjoy. If you don’t, I really don’t care. And for all of my loyal fans of my study abroad/family vacation blog, DON’T YOU WORRY; I will still be making fun of my family along the way. I honestly didn’t think it was possible, but my family is bat shit crazy and always seems to make the impossible possible.
For my ~debut recipe~ I bring to you:
Death by Diabetes Bars.
You’ve heard of death by chocolate desserts, but this is a new spin on things and it’s my famous Death by Diabetes bars. But before I continue with the rest of this post I would really appreciate it if you would pronounce diabetes like this while reading this post
Don’t be lazy, just click on the link it’s literially a 3 second video
Now that you know the proper diction of my bars, let’s get going.
For starters, heres the recipe:
2 sticks of butter
2 eggs
3/4th of a cup of brown sugar
3/4th of a cup of sugar
2 tsp of Vanilla
2 1/4th cup of Flour
1/2 cup of Cocoa
1 tsp of Baking Soda
1 box of chocolate pudding
1/2 cup of heavy cream
2 different bags of chocolate chips (of your choice)
You start out with your basic cookie recipe. First, combine eggs, butter, sugar, brown sugar, and vanilla. but not just any kind of vanilla:
Get yourself a hand mixer, and mix until it has a nice creamy consistency. Next, add your dry ingredients, which consist of flour, cocoa, and baking soda.
That’s just a basic cookie recipe: now we have to add the diabetes.
To get you’re A1C rising, you’re going to add a box of chocolate pudding, and then heavy cream, and mix that shit up.
At this stage, you’re only a healthy pre-diabetic who needs to exercise and monitor their carbohydrate intake. I want you to be a full-blown Type 1 diabetic (This ones for you dad)
In order to take it to that next level, you’re then going to add about 3/4th of a bag of semi sweet chocolate
And then 3/4th of a bag of Triple Chip morsels by Tollhouse.
Why did I choose this combination?
They were on sale.
Add whatever your little heart desires. It doesn’t matter.
NEXT get your self a nice 8X13 pan. Make sure it’s the right size pan and don’t do what I did at first.
Once your dumb ass gets the correct size pan, mark your territory and put your initial on top, then pop that baby in a 375 degree oven for about 25 minutes.
After 25 minutes when is is done, take it out of the oven and let it COMPLETELY COOL. You want cookie bars not an Applebee’s Chocolate lava cake; let that shit cool down for a few hours.
While they are cooling, use this time to google your self an endocrinologist to help manage your diabetes. If you’re having some trouble, just message my dad. His pancreas hasn’t worked in 26 years; he’s deff got the hookup.
For the next few steps, I found some homeless children hanging around my house and I figured I would let them help.
The little boy, lets call him Ethan, was clearly THRILLED.
Cut the little homies up in little squares and prepare them for a chocolate bath.
*****For clarification, when I say little homies I am referring to the brownie bars, not the children*****
Take some milk chocolate, and melt it. You don’t have to be fancy and melt it on the stove, just put that shit in a bowl and microwave it in 60 second increments until its nice and meltyyyyyyyyyy.
Take each square and dip half of it in chocolate. After dipping them in half, place them on a cookie sheet that is lined with wax paper. The homeless kids come into play because they then put sprinkles on there for me.
I’m just so happy and proud that I am able to give back to the youth of my community #GivingBack
Look at how happy they are.
After the chocolate completely dries stack them up and serve to your guests with a cold glass of milk and side of insulin.
The reasoning behind me making these bars was because it was Alec’s (my little brother) college going away dinner. I THOUGHT I was being s cute big sister and making him a nice JMU themed dessert. His girlfriend decided to show up and show me up with this gorgeous JMU trifle.
Like, WTF Alli. I should have smashed her face into that trifle, but instead I made them take a picture with it.
That’s the last time Alli tried to show me up.
But, don’t be like me. Accept the dessert that your brothers little boo thang made, and don’t be salty.
